on a personal note

I have been having a hard time talking about what's been going on the past week, and I know this is the least personal way to go about it, but I feel just going ahead and sharing my story might help me in the healing process.

I have been dodging the phone, I disabled my wall on facebook and I've only actually had contact with a few people other than Danny, the kids and my mom.

To keep from breaking down as I write here, I'm going to copy and paste the e-mail I sent to our friend Julie...

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Last Tuesday I started spotting and when I called the doctor they seemed to think it was normal, but to let them know if it got worse or changed colors. As the week went on, the bleeding got worse, not heavy, but worse. Then, on Friday night (while Danny was in Saluda playing basketball), around 7pm, I went to the bathroom and starting losing a lot of blood and clots. I got really scared and called the doctor on call. She was pretty certain I was going through a miscarriage and things were going to get worse in the next 12-24 hours. I was home alone with the kids and just sat and cried. I couldn't get in touch with Danny. He called me around 8pm and came home as soon as he could. Saturday was not as bad as I thought, I was just cramping and sad. Sunday during the day was pretty similar. I stayed in bed all weekend and just kept hoping everything was OK and that something wasn't wrong with the baby. Around 10 pm, I started cramping really bad and when I got to the bathroom, I lost a lot of blood and what looked like the baby. This went on until about 4 am.

My doctor couldn't see me until 3:40 on Monday, but we were pretty sure I had lost the baby. They performed an ultrasound and gave me some fluids through and IV with some medicine for nausea. At this point I had lost a total of 20 lbs since getting pregnant (I have put 5 of those back on in the past 2 days.) The doctor said I was about 1/2 way through with the miscarriage and she could perform a D&C or I could see if my body took care of it on it's on. I decided to not have the surgery and just wait. I went back in yesterday (Wednesday) and the ultrasound showed what your body would look like just before a period, so I am still bleeding, but thankfully no surgery.

I am feeling OK physically besides some cramping and back pain, but emotionally I am a wreck. I can't think w/o crying. Danny has been able to talk about it a little more, but I am just not real sure how to deal with it. It really feels like a loss. I think having seen the baby and it's heartbeat has made it even more difficult. I was almost 12 weeks along.

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I do much better when I'm not alone, so the two hours I was alone after my mom left yesterday were really hard. Thankfully, Danny got home a little early and Julie stopped by for a few hours and Bethany called and came by with dinner. It really does help to be surrounded by the people you love!

I don't think I have ever understood how difficult this is on women who have gone through it. I do now. I also know that it's not easy to know what to say to someone and honestly, I don't know if anything anyone says makes you feel any better. So, please don't feel you need to comment here. I know you all love us and I know this happened for a reason and I know there are people who have experienced losses far greater. Just knowing you are here and how lucky we are to have such supportive family and friends is really all I need.

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